The Forum

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Why don't hospitals start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving those fat feckers? It's hardly fair.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p***** off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Curry's, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Curry's?

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two **** in the post each week. What I want to know is... who's sending the other one?

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Supermarkets... help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.

Every time I use my local cash point, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Good ones.

Have some more. well jokes anyway;

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir,

only one carrion allowed per passenger."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking

over the menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big,

shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the

hollandaise!"

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting

under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man

reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm

a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies:

"It's very simple. You're two tents.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once

again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes,

I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament

victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they

asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The

other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth

mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her

husband responds, They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was

unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to

"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close

up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his

feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant, I

wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
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The International Olympic Committee today voted unanimously to award Barack Obama with a gold medal in skiing. The

head of the IOC defended the award stating that they have never seen anyone go downhill so fast.
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Speaking at the Staff Meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer named Renee told the male manager of the

Division, "I'd like to get something off my chest." "What's that, Renee?" "Your eyes."
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One day, mum was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine, some rope, leather

gear, etc. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about

this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him..."

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the

waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting

at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is this is the

last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you."

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains

the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken

you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one

of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.

He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"